A place I know too well, is it depression?
Here we go again
There is a prominent theme in my writings, and a general theme observed here on Medium, a tint of “here’s how to fix your life” OR “quick life hacks” tone in all articles. A sense of life hacks and how to archive, I appreciate that all too well but today….
I just want to rant…
Sometimes all we need is to know that we are not alone, and that validation itself may help us put open our minds to the perspective that if other people went through this and made it to the other side, we can do that too.
Today I want to talk about the phase/feeling of numbness
I know this place way too well; I visited it a few hundred times. I know its corners, the ugly as well as the barely glimpsed beauty. This place is called “the burn out”, “tired of life”, “helplessly searching for a meaning”, and “fruitless” cave.
What started this phase?
The triggers vary, from existential triggers to a very very funny ones.
This time the trigger was more on the shallow side.
What do I like to do during this phase?
I like doing the absolute bare minimum. I have a ton of shit that I need to do, but my body, soul, and mind are literally fighting the battle of their life against me doing anything.
I like to eat a lot of junk food and waste all my money on useless stuff. The last thing I want to think about is how can I save more money, and the last thing I want to do is put some effort into something (p.s. I hate cooking on my normal days, so on my low days, I DESPISE it).
My fav part: I like to over analyse my life from an extremely biased perspective. On these days, I compare myself to Kim Kardashian, my high school friends and the person my 12 years old self-thought I would be. As you can imagine, in all these cases, I am a total failure.
I like to distance myself, I don’t want to socialize. The last thing I care about right now is that guy your seeing took 5h hours to answer, or that your girlfriend is acting weird lately. I DO NOT CARE.
I do not want to go to the nice vibrant salsa class, I do not want to try this new restaurant, I do not want to be nice, and I do not want to create new memories. I JUST WANT TO DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. ALONE.
How long does it take?
It varies, sometimes a day or two, sometimes a year or two. But on average, it lasts for a week or two.
Do I like being in this phase?
Do I do anything to get out of this phase?
Hell no, I can’t even function as a person, let alone do something about it.
However, for the last few times it happened, I started with the simplest things, no effort, just a thought.
“Today, I chose self-compassion. I don’t care about yesterday or tomorrow, but today, I chose self-compassion” — I told myself
And it helped so try it and let me know :)