The side effects of rapid growth, when life hands you too many lemons
P.S. Don’t rush the lemonade 🍋
Growing up I used to think that as long as I am growing everything is fine. All it mattered is learning as much as I can to avoid later life difficulties.
That in itself was not the best assumption to make, BUT, what was even more wrong is recognizing the importance of the speed at which this growth happened.
recently I came to realize that just as mental and physical growth are very important, the speed at which this growth occurs is equally important, if not more, important.
The speed at which you grow can make or break you.
Sometimes growth can be too slow, in which we feel that life is boring, Earth stopped rolling, every day feels exactly the same. We make bad decisions and follow feelings with one purpose; to speed things up.
Other times it's Extremely Fast, every day is unique, a brand new challenge, you lose the sense of who you are and get swallowed by the quick fixes mode just to move things out of the way, for now at least.
In an ideal world, we want to keep our growth at a stable pace. Not too slow, but not too fast. However, this is rarely the case, life will almost certainly have it’s own plans.
The last 3 years of my life has been an absolute nightmare in so many ways.
> Extreemely rapid growth (life has gracefully dealt me too many horrible hands I lost count).
> Followed by an even more extraordinarily slow growth where nothing that mattered happened for quite some time.
These two phases happing one immediately after the other, left me knocked dead on the ground (mentally and physically).
So, now that I’m on the other side, here are some things to keep in mind if you going through the first phase, as I like to call it the … Thunder phase.
1. Everyday challenges will swallow you alive and that's okay
Challenges are inevitable as we progress through life. However, in the “thunder phase,” challenges happen more often than in steady/normal growth situations.
Rapid growth can happen either by you pushing yourself to the limits or by life “life dear life” handing you some sour lemons that will force you to grow.
Either way, challenges are inevitable when you are in a “growth” mode. The only difference is that in the “thunder phase” they happen more often than in steady/normal growth situations.
The frequency of these challenges will make you lose sight of the bigger picture, such as your bigger goals and the remaining aspects of your life that you are yet to explore.
During these times, all I could see was the gloomy sky, no sight of sunshine. It left me desperate for the smallest sign of joy coming back, of a day I won’t have to worry about making it to the next day.
One of the things that helped me paddle through these days was making effort to stay in touch with what mattered to me, my family, my friends and my goals.
Despite how much I just wanted to tune out of them (as I did a few times, not perfect) but I fought the urge more than not. Especially on those days that I didn’t know who I am anymore.
Keeping the things that mattered close is like having a sea anchor on a stormy night.
2. You’ll get too big for your shell, if you don’t change it you’ll die
Speaking of the sea, Hermit crabs 🦀 keep growing from the day they are born. As they increase in their sizes their shells get smaller and smaller until the point it becomes unbearable anymore, that's when they decide to leave their shell to find a bigger one that fits their changed bodies.
Just like these little carbs, as we go through life's ups and downs, we learn and adapt along the way.
Each time we learn something new we grow and mature more, our go-to moves and mental tactics to keep things floating won’t work anymore. That is when we know we need to change.
When we are growing at a fast pace we outgrow our shell very fast, and we might in some cases need to change a shell that we just adopted.
For example, throwing a tantrum as we did when we were toddlers won’t get you the job you want. Repelling on everyone as we did when we were teenagers won’t make you look cool anymore.
So we can’t expect that our fear of commitment in our early adult life will bring us the joy we will need once we’re 40 something.
As much as this change is difficult, it’s inevitable. Don’t fight it, just embrace it coming.
“The only constant is change” — Heraclitus
3. Buckle up for the ride as this change will be one of the most uncomfortable things you’ll have to do
At this stage, you’ll have to give up so many defence mechanisms you knew once worked, and that leaves you lost for a little bit and winging it for the most part.
I remember when I was going through this stage I felt powerless, most vulnerable and frankly terrified.
I did fight it at first, but soon I came to realize that there's no other way around it.
Just like these little carbs, to find a new shell means that you have to let go of the one you have, risking going through life unprotected and vulnerable only to find a new one that fits your new needs.
It’ll be uncomfortable, but I promise you it'll be worth the journey.
“Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult spending our lives running from it”— Brene Brown
3. You’ll lose sight of who you once were
Believe it or not, somewhere between going through difficult transitions and fighting through life challenges I lost touch with who I was before all this chaos started.
To the point where I’d stare at pictures of me 4 years ago and I’d feel like I’m looking at a stranger. IDK who this person is, what’s her life like or even how she once felt.
Only now I am understanding that the changes I was rapidly going through made me dis-attached completely from the person I was before it all.
It’s very normal, but if I can give one piece of advice it’ll be to stop searching for this person trying to get them back.
You are not meant to stay the same. You may not feel the same joy anymore but you also won’t feel pain from the same things again.
As cliche as it may sound, at this stage, all you need to do is embrace and love who you are becoming and let go of past.
4. Depression will come knocking, it’s okay to let in but…
One of the things that I both loved and hated learning during this stage was depression.
Unlike what we think, depression does not come knocking walls down and making a dramatic entrance into your life, it rather comes crawling through the small cracks of your soul.
Make sure to read my article about depression, I’ll publish it soon.*
The high velocity and the uncertainty of this period make it seems sooo much easier to crawl back, let go and give up on joy. It’s okay to lose your energy and have a couple of days/months off, but it’s not okay to let it take over your life and make decisions for you.
Go out, meet some friends (even if you hate them), fall in love, chase your dreams and shine through adversity.
5. Beware of the following trauma (it’s totally normal)
Read my article about *myths and tales about the trauma land - From someone who’s been there and came back *sane*
No doubt after all that I’ve been through I developed some new defence mechanisms, some made sense and some were pure trauma responses. But that's what I loved about this stage. I called it the “weed-ing the grass from the trees” stage.
As much as I struggled to accept that I was traumatized, I am so grateful that I did not just go on with my life with all the flee or fly mindsets that I’ve captured.
Trauma isn’t an entirely great thing, but it’s not a bad thing either. It has two sides, the negative is taking with you misconceptions and understandings about yourself and the world around you such as developing commitment issues, chronic anxiety, negative self-talk and feeling of numbness and fear of intimacy.
The positive side is that once you recognize it, it’s a chance to decide which of these conceptions you’ll carry with you (because they make sense) and which you’ll let go of.
It’s your second chance at a healthy life.
# Closure
I’ll write very soon about the side effects of the other side, the slow growth period.
Follow me for updates. 😄
